Tuesday, 5 July 2011

ABNORMALLY POSITIVE

matapos kong magbrowse ng mga blogs at personal account ng mga positive na nauna sa akin - napansin ko lang na karamihan sa kanila took a bit of time to accept it at mag move on.

abnormal na yata ang pagkapositive thinker ko. somehow ang pakiramdam ko , dahil sa naging sitwasyon ng pagpapatest ko, na na-accept ko na ang kalagayan ko even a day before they told me i am hiv positive, tapos i started moving-on at hinarap ang bago kong status sa buhay pagkatapos kong matulala ng 2 o 3 oras after he revelation.

oo, after 3 oras ng taimtim na pag iisip, i went back to my computer ang started working on some pending projects. kasabay ng panaka nakang pagsulyap sa aking planetromeo at grindr accounts. hehe


di man lang ako umiyak, sumikip lang ng konti ang dibdib ko, parang nag poppers lang, tapos bumabaliktad ang sikmura ko nung buong hapon na yun. pero buo pa rin ang loob ako at lakas loob na ipinagpatuloy ang aking araw.  pakiwari ko ay katawan ko lang ang apektado at di man lang natinag ang aking kalooban at pag iisip.

marahil ay sobrang nagmarka sa akin ang natutunan ko nung minsang nagtrabaho ako sa colcenter, sabi sa training - attitude is the most important thing at kailangan na always think positve... so ayan naging positive tuloy ako, haha.

kidding aside, likas na yata sa akin ang pagiging masayahin mula ng bata pa ako, alam na alam yan ng mga taong nakakakilala sa akin, may reputasyon din ako na hindi nagagalit at parating nakangiti, asset ko na yata ang aking magagandang ipin.

ngayon, itinatanung ko na sa aking sarili, abnormal na ba ang pagiging positive thinker ko, do i really need to grieve first?  kelangan ko ba munang pumalahaw ng iyak, o madepress for a while???  is that the healthy way to come to terms with the life-threatening disease like HIV?

e kung hindi nga ako maiyak iyak eh, alangan namang pilitin ko? Para sa akin waste of time lang ang madepress, mas marami pang importanteng bagay keysa ang magmukmok sa tabi at magkulong sa kwarto... di naman pagkakakitaan yun.  sa kalagayan ko ngayon, all the more na kailangan kong magisip kung paano magiging produktibo at kikita ng pera, kakailanganin ko yun para sa mga haharapin kong mga pagsubok na dala ng aking HIV.

at dahil ba maaga, o sobrang aga kong maka move-on, should i continue living and enjoying my life just like before???  continue living OO, enjoying life OO, pero just like before - I DONT THINK SO.  my HIV is the ultimate eye-opener, i have it because i was once unsafe, i know the basic but i did not pay attention to the details, siguro may ilang maling akala pa ako noon.

maghapon akong nagbasa at nag research kanina at kahapon... pano ba talaga ang  safe sex? alin ang high risk, low risk at no risk acts? kailangan kong siguraduhin, i should be extra extra careful. i should make sure to exerise every possible way avoid passing the virus to anyone. i even asked some of my friends to reconfirm the facts.  so today i equipped myself to be able to move on and still enjoy my life.

am i ready to have sex? nung isang araw hindi pa - buti na lang di nag initiate si Kit.  pero today i'm pretty sure ready na ako. should i refrain from having sex? lalo naman yata akong madedepress nun, and frankly i dont think i can live without sex.


actually may nag aya kanina, si Daks, minsan minsan lang kami nagsesex ni Daks, last year pa yung huli, nagtext sya kanina, nagaaya, i hesitated a bit but decided to do it anyways.  it was short and fast, i would rate it 7 over 10. i actually enjoyed it, all the while i made sure it's low risk.

na guilty ba ako afterwards? slightly lang because of the fact na di ko sinabi sa kanya.  pero not so much because i know it's safe sex. 

5 days after i found out i am positive, i have moved on and  i had my first sex.  

am i abnormally positive?

ito ang aking diary

BONG

9 comments:

  1. Too bad !!! No matter how safe you think having sex with someone else is, i think you're still imposing danger. If you cannot live without sex, then find someone who's already HIV positive. Where's your conscience? I don't have anything against people with HIV, but please do not let anyone else be infected with that virus!

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  2. @jakejacobss - there are low-risk ways for people living with HIV (PLHIV) to enjoy sex, even with people who are HIV negative.

    "please do not let anyone else be infected with that virus!" - i have not met a single PLHIV who would like to spread the virus. in fact, they are the ones who are most concerned, and because they know their status they take extra precautions to be safe.

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  3. now now jake.. easy on the statements...

    HIV PATIENTS HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS HEALTHY PEOPLE DO. WHETHER Education Privacy Treatment and care
    Work Marriage and family life Non discrimination
    Health and Social security services

    now talk about sex, did he disclose the type of sexual activity they did?
    did he say he did not use condoms?
    did they do anal sex?
    oral? with condoms?

    he said they had sex. now we have different forms of sexual activity ranging from NO risk at all to HIGH Risk.


    we cannot say a person did or did not do something risky unless we know the whole picture.

    your statements are contradictory. - you dont have anything against HIV? ignorance about risk activities made u bias already, a social stigma of thinking a negative should not have sex with a positive. i think you should read more.

    this statement is prejudice --- "please do not let anyone else be infected..."

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  4. nlv -- no matter how safe the sex was, he still imposed danger to whoever he had sex with.. And isa pa, how could he have sex with someone without even telling that guy that he is infected?Kung may karapatan sya like a normal person, mayron din namang karapatan yung kung sino mang makaksex nya na malaman kung ano yung pinapasok nila..KUHA Mo?

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  5. @migs, do you think your friend cared enough for the guy he had sex with? Ni hindi nya nga sinabihan yung guy na yun about his HIV status. And kung 'yung guy na yun? Would you still do it with Bong kung sakaling sinabihan ka nya na may HIV sya? Would you not feel betrayed? That's the whole point! Sabi nya, 'if you dont want to contract the disease, abstain from sex and injecting drugs' but did he do? Sabihan na nating safe yun sa kung anumang definition nya ng safe sex, pero kahit saan mo tignan, mali pa din yun! I would have understood him if sinabihan nya yung guy about his HIV status and the guy accepted and still chose to have sex with him. pero hindi.. I know you're his friends, pero wag natin gawing tama ang mali. Kaya nga sya nag ka HIV eh dahil sa maling mga ginawa nya...he should start doing things the right way!

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  6. i think you're pretty normal. kasi ang first stage nyang crisis before ang depression is DENIAL. what you're thinking now is a form of denial.

    and regarding sex. pls be a good boy. God loves you. You really need someone to talk to. Kung nandyan lang ako, I could have.

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  7. on the other hand, di na siguro denial ito, na -accept ko na nga eh... but i still wish dadating yung point that i will really break down in tears... di ko lanag alam kung anung magiging trigger nun...

    am afraid also that pag nagkasakit ako, or the very first hospitalization after my diagnosis will be crucial, baka by that time, tsaka darating yung depression ko... i dont know, i'm not sure, i just feel a bit abnormal that compared to all the others, i feel pretty okay despite my diagnosis...

    i think its a blessing, an abnormal blessing ;)

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  8. I sort of agree with Ming Meows. A Year ago, two, three months after the big news, I thought I have moved on. But yun nga, pwedenf denial yun masked as acceptance.

    But we are all different.

    However, just a warning, some of the meds you will take in the future, yep those Arvs, have side effects, which includes unavoidable depression. But then again, LIFE goes on.

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